


Stay Alive- suicidal reader x avengers

by part_time_revolutionary



Category: Avengers
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Avengers - Freeform, Depression, Gen, Hospitals, Marvel - Freeform, Panic Attack, Pre and Post Civil War, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, a little fuffy, depressed reader, how do I even A03?, idek anymore, its not important to the plot though, natasha romanov - Freeform, no smut here, reader x suicide, sad fic, slightly different ending to civil war, steve rogers - Freeform, tony stark - Freeform, x Reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-18
Updated: 2018-05-12
Packaged: 2018-09-25 11:11:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9817529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/part_time_revolutionary/pseuds/part_time_revolutionary
Summary: Avengers x suicidal reader where the reader is living with the Avengers while also suffering from severe depression and anxietyPLEASE NOTE depression and anxiety are  NOT undefeatable and self harm is NEVER the answer! I am always here for you and if you want to talk please don't hesitate to reach out to meI do not own the Avengers (unfortunately) or you





	1. Chapter 1

It has been a year since that horrible day when you lost your family. A year since your loving parents died. A year since your sister was lost forever. A year since the game completely changed.

You never would’ve guessed that you would eventually have a new family, new best friends, and new memories to help you forget the horror that ended your old life. Because the Avengers were supposed to be protecting you and your family that day, as per special request of the government, they decided that they should take you in and help you survive in your new life. You were Tony’s step niece, after all. Besides yourself, Tony took that failed mission the hardest. He couldn’t have done anything to protect your family, and everyone, including yourself, made sure that he knew that.

So now you are living with the Avengers. It has been quite a wild ride so far; Tony is even considering making you your own training suit so that you can eventually be a part of the team. Natasha has sort of become an adoptive mom for you, only less orderly and less strict than mothers usually are. She understands that you and Pepper are the only other girls in the house, and living with a bunch of men with egos the size of New York can be a bit tiring at times. Pepper, on the other hand became your more practical mother. She makes sure that you get an education, she makes sure that Tony doesn't put you in harm’s way with his special toys, and she tries to make sure that you are able to adjust well, and not have a mental break down every other day. Okay, in her defense the only reason she sucks at that last part is because she doesn't know about it. Nobody does, in fact, nobody knows about you internal struggles. They know that you lost your family and your old life, but they can’t really see your specific struggles and battles the you face on a daily basis. The Avengers know loss, but they sure as hell don't know what it did to you. You see, you have been battling depression and severe anxiety since before the attack, and losing your family didn’t really help your mental state. Steve tried to get you to see a therapist the first week you moved in, and you complied, but you told the lady everything that she wanted to hear. You made sure to portray your suffering a little bit, but not too much. You got away from her office within the following week. Instead of a doctor to help you through your pains, you have a knife. Instead of a shoulder to cry on, you have thoughts that tell you to kill yourself. Nobody knows this, and nobody ever will.

“Alright, (y/n), you know the drill by now. We will be going to Europe for a quick mission, JARVIS will be here, and you have Pepper’s number on speed dial. If you need anything you can call me. K?” asked Nat.

“Thanks Nat, I’m sure I will be fine. I’ve got that big history test coming up on the American Revolution and the entire Hamilton soundtrack so I should be pretty busy. Just get home safe. I’ll talk to you tomorrow morning.” I lied about the part where I said I’d be fine, but the rest is true, at least.

“Bye (y/n), see you tomorrow if everything goes well,” said Nat.

“See ya kiddo. Oh hey JARVIS make sure that (y/n) stays outta trouble,” says Tony.

“I assure you sir that (y/n) will be in the best care possible. Would you like me to give you hourly updates, sir?” asked JARVIS

“Hahaha very funny Tony, now get! I’ll be fine, you don't need to worry about me.”

“If you say so, but JARVIS will be lightly monitoring you and the entire building, for that matter.”

“Okay if you say so,” you roll your eyes at him even though you know that he should be worried, except he isn’t, because he doesn't know.

“Be safe everyone!”

“See you (y/n), we’ll be back before you know it,” replies the Captain.

Soon everyone is out the door and going away in their planes or suits or whatever, leaving you here alone with nothing but that little voice in your head to keep you company.

*The beginning of my home alone (not counting the AI) vacation should be good. I think that I will start off with some studying about my favorite revolutionaries, then maybe I’ll clean up a little bit, then I might make some food for the team for when they get back, this is gonna be great.  
Maybe after that you can go kill yourself you fat piece of shit.*

You knew that little voice wasn’t gonna stay away for long. The voice brings so many bad memories back. That day that everything changed, you started blaming it all on yourself. The deaths, your depression, everything. On hearing that destructive voice, you stopped, went to your bedroom, and just let everything out.

“J-JARVIS? Please soundproof my room and turn off my surveillance until I leave my room.”

“Ms.(y/n) I am sure that Mr. Stark would not appreciate a gap in your monitoring.”

“Please JARVIS”

“As you wish (y/n). I will tell Mr. Stark about the gap when he returns.”

That is good enough. You lay down in your bed and just cry for a while until you slowly get up and enter your bathroom. You have Hamilton blasting at full volume by this point. You are listening to the Stay Alive Reprise, a rather ironic choice, but the song always seems to help you let go of the outside world. You grab your “self defense” knife that Nat gave you as a birthday present a few months ago. Like I said, she’s very thoughtful, but not really the most protective mother figure in the world.

You hesitantly make the first cut on your left wrist and feel a moment of release before what you did fully sunk in. You haven't cut in months out of fear of Natasha or Tony finding out. The thought of this only makes you sadder and more distressed, so you keep cutting. It feels like ages before you realize how much you're bleeding. You stand up and clean your new wounds, and carefully bandage them. This should be fine, there’s nobody around to see them anyway.

Looking at the clock, you realize that it is already 10:00 at night. ‘That’s a reasonable time to go to bed, isn't it? So much for actually getting things done today,’ you think to yourself

Your body clock wakes you up at 7:00, and luckily they haven't gotten back yet.

‘I should probably go take off my bandages before everybody gets home.’ Living with the Avengers can suck sometimes. Appearing strong for them makes them stop worrying about you, and if they saw your wrists wrapped in gauze, they would definitely know that something was wrong. You carefully unwrap your bandages and to your horror you see nothing but red lines six inches up both of your arms. The cutting was sort of like a high, it made you feel good, but in a bad kind of way. Its hard to explain the logic behind it. It looks like long sleeve t-shirts will have to do for a while. You apply foundation to the bottom two inches as well as you can, so there would at least be a little masking incase your sleeves ride up.

After you are up and moving, you decide to try and get some of things done that you wanted to do yesterday. First, you make welcome home brownies for everyone because, c’mon, who doesn't like brownies?. While those are in the oven, you straighten everything up a little, and make the family room area look nicer in general, and then finally, you get to study for your APUSH test. History is your favorite subject by far, and you especially love learning about the Revolutionary War. The fact that you got to see Hamilton may or may not have had a very large influence on you.

A few hours later, everything is done. The brownies are finished, the flat is clean, and you practically memorized your history book. Now all that is left is for the Avengers to return and make all of your work worthwhile. The hours are slowly creeping by, and before you know it, it is already 5:00.

“JARVIS, call Tony for me please?”  
“I am now calling Tony.”  
“Hey (y/n), how’s it going?” says your uncle.  
“Pretty good,” you lie. “I was just wondering if you guys are almost back? You said you'd be back by noon or so. I just want to make sure that everything is okay.”  
“Oh yeah, we should be back in an hour or two, there was just a minor setback on the mission. Everybody is relatively okay, though.”  
“What do you mean, *relatively* okay?”  
“Uh... nothing. We just got shaken up a little bit. We weren't expecting the level of combat skills that we encountered. Everybody is fine, don't worry.”  
“Alright, just get back safely.”  
“Bye, (y/n).”  
“Bye, Tony.”

‘That was honestly an extremely frightening conversation. Is everybody okay? What if somebody got seriously hurt? What if somebody died? What if Tony is lying and everybody isn't okay? What if something really bad happened and they will have to be gone for a long time again?’

You start hyperventilating and crying on the couch. Your chest feels heavy, and you can’t stop running these questions through your head. You know that this is a panic attack, and that just makes you even worse.

“Hi (y/n), we’re back!” says Nat. At this point you are still in the middle of a brutal panic attack, and you didn't even hear Nat.  
“(Y/n), where are you, are you okay?” says Steve. They know something is up after you didn't come running to greet them like you always do.  
“JARVIS where the hell is (y/n)?” Says Tony.  
“(Y/n) is currently on the couch closest to her bedroom. Her heart rate is elevated to a rather dangerous rate she is showing symptoms of a panic attack.”  
“Oh my goodness (y/n)!” says Nat. She runs the fastest and runs to you, only to find you curled up in a ball in a crying mess.  
“Shh (y/n) it’s okay. We’re all here. It’s gonna be okay. Everything is okay.” She holds you close and fall apart in her arms.  
“I’m sorry, Nat,” you whisper.  
“No no no you didn’t do anything wrong, okay? You are safe, you are here, and we all love you. Okay?”  
“Okay.”

The Captain picks you up and carries you bridal style to you bed. He puts you down and sits in the chair by your desk to make sure that you made it through the night without any nightmares or panic attacks.

When you wake up in the morning, at first everything seems normal, and you actually feel kinda good. Then the memories from the previous night flood in and you feel ashamed of yourself. But honestly, the scariest thought that comes to you is that someone might've seen your scars. You get dressed and go to the kitchen to get breakfast, and you are met with Nat giving you a rather pitiful look.

‘This should be fun,’ you think to yourself.  
“Good morning, Nat.”  
“Good morning, (y/n), how are you holding up?”  
“I’m fine. Its nothing I haven't dealt with before. I’m really sorry you had to see that, by the way.”  
“Don’t you dare apologize, (y/n). I am always here for you. Do you hear me? You are such an amazing, wonderful person and it pains me to know that you are hurting. If you ever need help with anything at all, I am here for you.”  
“Thanks, I really appreciate it. Anyway, how was your mission? Tony was telling me that it was a little rough?”  
“He’s not exaggerating when he says that. I mean, there were a few times where it got a little tough, but it was a successful mission nonetheless. I can’t really go into the details, though. Direct orders. I wish I could tell you, but Fury might have my head if I do,” she chuckled. “Everybody is completely fine. We stopped at the medical center before we got back.”  
“Good, I’m glad you guys are all fine. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

The rest of the day went by in a blur. Everybody tried in vain to connect with you and make sure that you are fine. Honestly it's kind of draining. Every single time one of them asked if you were fine, you wanted to scream “No! I’m not fine,” but you couldn't do that to your friends. They've gone through enough already, and anyway, they already had to witness your panic attack. As far as they're concerned, you just miss your family, which is for the record, true, but there is so much more to the problem than that. You feel as if you just can’t bring yourself to be a functioning person anymore. Lying to the Avengers all day everyday is not easy. You may not be directly lying to them with words all the time, but just putting up a happy, goofy, front all the time is tiring. Maybe if you told them, you wouldn't have to act all day, but then they might be forced to be fake for you, instead.

At the end of the day, everybody decided to relax and have a movie night. Movie nights are usually fun, but you want nothing more than to just go to bed. However, if you don't stay with everybody and act normal, somebody would know that something is up. Meanwhile Tony and Steve were arguing over a movie choice.

“Steve we are not watching another dumb feel good movie okay? Everybody is sick of them,” snapped Tony.  
“Not true. Besides, they're better than yours, at least mine aren't filled with innuendos and crude humor,” retorted Cap.  
“That’s what makes them so good! You gotta laugh a little once in a while, man, it’s healthy.”  
“Let’s just watch Star Wars. Does that satisfy you?” said an annoyed Natasha.  
“Fine by me,” says Cap.  
“I mean, I’d rather not but if it shuts him up I guess its fine with me,” Tony says looking straight at Steve.  
“I’ve never heard of this Star Wars,” says Thor.  
“You’ve never seen Star Wars? Not even one of them? Wow. These movies were my life when I was little. We will have to start at the beginning of the series so you can see all of them in order- the effects aren't that great, but I think you'll really like them, Thor,” you say.  
“I look forward to seeing the rest of them, Lady (y/n),” he responds.

About half way into the movie everybody is sitting quietly, a few people are even cuddling together, absorbed in the Star Wars universe. There’s a peacefulness around them that makes you shudder, you don't really understand how they can be so happy and distracted after facing what sounds like a horror show of missions all the time.

‘You can’t find peace after one trauma, one bad event in your life. Everybody- Steve, Tony, Natasha, Bruce, Thor, and even Clint have somehow made it through a shit storm of traumatic missions, battles, and life events. If they can do it, why can’t you? Why do you have to be such a fucked up person? They are all strong without their powers, so shouldn't you be the same? Shouldn't the superheroiness rub off onto you? Maybe they all already noticed how shitty you are and they just don't care. Nat probably lied to you and just pities you instead of actually caring. You are a burden to everyone around you and they all probably just want you to kill yourself already.’

The voice inside your head telling you to kill yourself seems to be winning. You politely excuse yourself from the movie, but everyone is too distracted to notice the distressed look on your face.

Quietly, you venture to you room and grab your knife and earbuds, then head up to the roof. If you're going to die, you are going to do it right. When you reach the balcony on the roof, you sit and absorb the beautiful skyline.

“At least I get to die in a beautiful place,” you say to yourself.

You take out your phone and realize that you should probably leave some kind of note for everybody, for after they find your body. You began to cry and concluded that the best way would be in a video that you could send to everyone. While trying to make yourself look somewhat presentable, you put your phone on a nearby ledge with the screed facing yourself and the city. You haven't the slightest idea what to say, but this need to get done, and the movie is probably almost over, so you need to hurry up if you don't want everyone to notice your whereabouts. In a blur of thoughts, you pressed record.

“Hey, everyone. So, I guess this is my note. Pretty funny, huh? This is the kind of thing you hear about all the time in movies or books or the news, but you never really imagine yourself receiving one from someone you know. Anyway, by the time you see this and process it, I will hopefully be dead. I know this might seem bad at first, but my absence will make everything better. You guys won’t have to worry about me all the time, you will never have to witness me be weak ever again, and I won’t be here to hold any of you back. Before I try to explain to you why I am doing this to myself, there is something that each and every one of you needs to understand. This. Is. Not. Your. Fault. There is nothing that any of you could've done to stop me from my own self destruction, even if somebody managed to stop me from getting up here and jumping, I would've just done the deed a different way. If for whatever reason I fail this time, I will find a way to die. Ya see, I have had a darkness inside of me for a while now, and it won. In it’s victory tour, it took away my will to live, it took away my happiness, my laughter, my everything, except maybe those self depreciating jokes and insecurities. Ever since my family died- which also isn't your fault by the way- I just haven't been the same. I guess it would be fair to say that not one of you ever met the real (y/n), you only met a fraction of who she was. She was kind and actually happy, and didn't give two shits about what anybody said about her. Now, I am all that’s left, and it isn't good enough for anybody, let alone “Earth’s Mightiest Heroes.” So, now I will leave you, and maybe my family will be there waiting for me on the other side. Maybe I am just meant to do this. Trust me; everything will be better now that I decide to kill myself. Lastly, I am sorry for doing this to you. All of you deserve somebody better than me, and I- I- I’m just sorry for everything. Its time for me to go now,” with that you turned off the camera and sent the video to the Avengers.

Downstairs, after the message is sent, Tony checks his phone and sees your message. He watches the video to himself and jumps up in horror at seeing your suicide note.

“Oh my god (y/n) no,” he whispers.  
“What is it, what’s wrong with (y/n)?” asks Steve.  
“I think she just sent us her suicide note,” Tony replies.  
Meanwhile, as the Avengers started to panic, you stood at the edge of the balcony, with your bare toes curled over the edge. Taking your knife one last time, you slash your wrists open before jumping.

“Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, sept, huit, neuf,” you sang to yourself, counting to your death. At “neuf” you jumped from the balcony and you felt free for the first time in months.  
Within a moment that feeling of freedom disappeared and you faintly felt a pair of metal arms grab you as you faded into a peaceful blackness.


	2. Suggestions?

Hey everyone! I know its been a few months since I uploaded this, but I'm thinking that I am going to continue the story! I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to continue the plot yet, but I know that I want to keep writing, which brings me to my question.  
I don't know which characters I want to have bigger parts in future chapters, so if you all could comment some ideas, or even requests for the plot, I will definitely take them into consideration, or if you guys think I should leave this as a one shot, I could do that as well and I will take suggestions for future stories-- I'm just not going to write any smut at the moment, I mights change my mind later on though.  
Thanks for all the kudos (I seriously thought that like 5 people might read my story, not 400), and I'll hopefully have an update within the week!


	3. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, I'm back and I just put this chapter together so I would at least start the process of getting back into writing. I'm sorry if its kind of bad or slow, but this is what I have for today.  
> Thank you all for your kind comments, and always remember that suicide and self harm are NEVER the answer and if you ever need to talk, I'm always here.

“Is she going to be okay?” asked Banner over Tony’s intercom.  
“I don’t know, I’m about to scan her know and all I know is she has lost a lot of blood. I’ll be up in a second,” replied Tony. 

Back in the tower, Dr. Banner, Clint, Steve, Pepper, Nat, and Thor all hurried to get (y/n) a cleared area set up so that Bruce and Tony could work their magic if need be. They cleared off a space closest to Tony’s landing deck and Nat ran to get old sheets down. Clint found the AED and got it out of fear for the worst. Pepper called 911 so (y/n) could get a proper ride to the hospital, as opposed to Tony flying her over. Bruce got the fist aid kit out and laid all the instruments out. Thor was confused about the whole matter, so he couldn’t exactly help, and Steve, who was still in shock over the whole ordeal, thought it would be best to stand back with the god. 

“Alright guys I’m bringing her in on the main deck,” said Tony through JARVIS. Within seconds he was standing inside laying (y/n) down on the sheets Natasha put down. “Steve I need you to put pressure on her wrists with this while I get out of my suit. Banner, get the gauze and tape so we can at least start to try and help (y/n)” said Tony.

“Alight. And where is that damn ambulance? She needs more than what we have here, this much I know. I haven’t seen this much blood since the war, and it didn’t always go well for the soldiers,” replied Steve.

“Don’t say that! She’ll be okay. She has to be...” said a clearly distressed Pepper. 

“Wait- I’m gonna fly (y/n) over to the ER. I can see the ambulance from up here and there are too many idiots on the road, I’ll get her there faster and she doesn’t have much time left,” Tony said.

“We’ll be there soon after you,” said Natasha. 

“Are you sure she can take all the exposure? She needs pressure on her arms or she’ll bleed out before any of us can do anything,” said a frustrated and scared Banner.

“It’ll be fine. You at least got bandages wrapped tight on her wrist so I’m just going to go now. It’ll take two minutes to get (y/n) there. I’ll keep everyone updated through JARVIS. Meet me there,” said Tony. 

Tony left with you in his arms and everyone else got to the hospital as quickly as they could. 

Two hours later, the Avengers were all sitting in one of the massive waiting rooms, until a Doctor walked in and asked to see (y/f/n)’s guardians. Everybody stood up, and the short doctor, who was a bit star struck, explained your condition.

“Hello everyone, I am Dr. Clark and I am the head doctor on Ms. (y/l/n)’s case. She has suffered an immense loss of blood, and the lacerations on her wrists are very deep. If she wakes up, there is a chance she will have to live with permanent nerve damage. She should be able to make a full recovery otherwise, but it will be a long road. We expect that she should wake up within the next ten to twelve hours, and when she does we would like to conduct a full psychiatric evaluation. Do you have any questions?”

Everyone looked to Banner, who shook his head no. 

“Okay. She is in room 105 if you would like to see her, just be warned that she will not look like herself to you; many people find it disturbing to see a loved one in this condition.”

“Thank you Dr. Clark but I think we can manage,” replied Bruce. 

With that the Doctor walked away.

The Avengers eventually made their way to (y/n)’s hospital room, and that doctor was completely correct. Seeing you in that bed was something the Avengers would never forget. You had bandages wrapped six inches up both of your wrists and a few IVs on you lower arm that went into the break in the gauze. But the worst part about seeing you like this was your face. You looked alive, but you didn’t look like there was any life in you. Your face showed what had always been inside of you; your brokenness became manifest in your face. 

By the next night, everyone was taking turns spending time with you, since the room wasn't big enough for the whole makeshift family to be in at once for more than a few minutes. Tony and Natasha were on their “shift” when they saw your eyes open. 

“Tony, go get a nurse or a doctor, or-or anybody- (y/n) is awake,” Natasha quickly said. Words cannot describe how Natasha felt in that moment. It was like all hope had been restored, but at the same time, she was terrified and overjoyed and everything in between. (Y/n) was awake, and the only thing she knew for certain was that it was going to be a hell of a ride before anybody could return to what was considered normal, Natasha and (y/n) included.


	4. Chapter 4

One month later. One month after you tried to kill yourself. One month after you failed. One month after you survived.

It hasn’t been an easy month to say the least. After a week in the hospital, your psychiatrist finally cleared you to leave the hospital, but only because of who your family is. Being a child of the Avengers does have its perks, but it also kind of sucks basically having a handful of parents swarming you. Your therapist has tried talking to everybody and telling them to give you a little space, and it seems that Banner is the only one who listened. All day everyday, since the day you came home, you have never been alone. Tony made a new program for JARVIS that ensured that you would always be under surveillance, and you couldn’t do anything about it. JARVIS has also been helpful, especially since now whenever you are showing symptoms of a panic attack, or you are about to do something stupid, Tony is alerted of your whereabouts and symptoms. Tony made you bubble in the tower, and even though it is restrictive, it’s probably the only reason you made it this far. 

Natasha on the other hand is taking your suicide attempt in a very different way. She tries not to sound like she’s mad at you, but letting go of grudges isn’t one of her strong suits. Nat is wonderful to you, but you can see it in her eyes that she can’t believe you almost took yourself away from everyone. In response, Nat took away the knife that she gave you, and has taken responsibility for making sure you take your anti depression and anti anxiety meds everyday at the right time. Maybe the real reason Natasha acts so protective is because she is so scared of what might’ve happened to you, and maybe she even thought it was partly her own fault. You have tried talking to Natasha to figure out why she cares so much, but she blows you off and reminds you to take your meds again, or changes the subject abruptly and tries to figure out what's going on in your head. 

Steve has tried to be nothing but supportive of you. He was and maybe still is heartbroken that you tried to end everything, but he has tried to move on and help you. Steve often times stays the night in your room, just to watch over you and make sure that you are okay. He really wants what is best for you, and his presence kind of reminds you of a shepherd. The Captain is a loving shepherd, and you are the lamb that has wandered so far away from the flock. 

Thor, surprisingly, responds with much empathy to your situation. In a conversation he had with you while you were still hospitalized, Thor told you about some of his first nights on Earth. When he wasn't with Jane, he was alone. Alone in a strange world where nothing made sense, and in one that he couldn’t escape. He told you about how he often found himself in a dark place in his mind. One that he couldn’t snap out of without Jane or his friends. Thor also told you that life gets better, and we can do things to make our life better, no matter what the situation we find ourselves in is. His story shocked you, you never realized that even a god could face depression, and then become a powerful force on Earth. He reminded you that everything has an end in life, even the bad things. The darkest nights eventually end, and they are followed by the most beautiful sunrises. 

Tony had a similar story from when his parents died. He was also alone in a world that changed overnight for him, the only difference between him and Thor was that Thor constructively solved his problems; Tony did not. Tony told you about how he was not strong at all in the beginning. He was unable to leave his house in the first few weeks after his parent’s car crash, and seeing other people’s happiness only made him worse. Tony decided that he was done with feeling things. He told you that he actually cut himself on his wrists more that a few times. His friends could see that Tony was suffering, so they helped him. They brought doctors to him since he wouldn’t leave his house, and they stayed by his side for all of the dark days. However, Tony did not have some amazing mental breakthrough like Thor. Tony told you that he still has dark days sometimes. He stopped cutting a while ago, but the effects are still there for him. In some ways Tony’s story was even more inspiring that Thor’s because Tony reminded you of the amazing family that you now have, and that even if you have them, it’s okay to be imperfect. It reminded you of a moon, that even if life is dark, there can be beauty and maybe a little bit of light in the darkest days. 

You took these stories and symbols to heart, and you tried to remember them whenever you felt dark and gloomy. The shepherd, the sunrise, and the moon. On bad days they did help a little, but after a few weeks they started to lose their positive effect and you found yourself using them in the wrong way. Maybe it wasn’t even on purpose but you began thinking about how far away you were from recovering and becoming normal. Even if normal is out of the question, just making it through each day became harder and harder until one day with your therapist you got dangerously close to the edge again.

One month after you tired to kill yourself is when it happened. You were just leaving your therapists office when as you turned the corner, reporters ambushed you. At first they though you were some famous model or something in disguise leaving the building since you were leaving a hospital carrying yourself in a way that suggested you were avoiding the world. And let’s be real, you were. But when they realized you weren’t who they thought you were, one of the paparazzi connected the dots and knew that you were the idiot that tried to commit suicide.

“Isn’t that the person Tony Stark flew to the hospital after jumping off Stark Tower,” he yelled out. Soon after all the other reporters tried to ask you questions and you did everything you could to leave the awkward situation and you didn’t think to lie so you did the stupidest thing possible.

“Yes it’s me, (y/n), now would you all please leave me alone?” you yelled out. Turns out that wasn’t a good idea. They wanted to know why you did it, if the Avengers had anything to do with your actions, and if you were in a relationship with any of them. At this point you had your phone out and being a child of the 21st century you were able to text Tony without them really noticing. 

Within seconds Tony was by your side without his suit and he was forcefully telling the reporters to back off and leave you alone. After he had sufficiently scared them off, he looked to you with eyes full of pity and regret and walked you back to Stark Tower for the remaining block and a half. 

“(Y/n), talk to me. What were they doing swarming you? Are you okay?” Tony asked.

“I don’t even know... I guess they thought I was some famous person leaving the hospital. It’s like they were waiting for me or somebody else to ambush and get a story out of. I guess they have one know though- they know who I am, Tony! How do they know me? How did that guy know what I did? And the questions they were asking- I couldn’t even here myself think with all the clamoring and the questions and I don’t even know,” you responded half sobbing. 

“Alright kid, it’s gonna be fine, I’m sure it'll blow over. I mean this in the kindest way, but the media won’t care about it, they’ll be too busy tomorrow talking about the next greatest cat video or something else dumb like that. It’ll be fine,” he assured you.

"I don't know Tony, I'm so scared of what will happen if the whole world sees how weak I am,"


	5. Finale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey friends, so I have decided that this will be the last chapter. I apologize in advance because I threw a major curveball a couple times, and I just hope it's okay. So yeah, thank you to everyone who has continued to read this story and support me through this very long process. Happy reading!

Another month passed. Now, two months after you jumped, you stopped going to your therapist at the hospital. Instead, you met with Dr. Banner every few days. The two of you just talked- you didn’t face the same blatant psychoanalysis that you had at the hospital, there were no negative repercussions for sounding too sad, and there were no reporters looking for angsty stories outside of his office. It was pretty nice being able to just talk to a friend who actually cared for you as a person. In the psych ward in the hospital, you didn’t really feel like a person- you felt like a number. You were a valuable statistic in their eyes, but all it seemed they cared about was making sure you didn’t become another number in the “death by suicide” pool. 

Having that encounter with the reporters didn’t help with your anxiety either. The days following the incident, you couldn’t bear to go on any news site or celebrity gossip because you were so scared that one of the reporters might have made a story about you and the Avengers. Luckily they didn’t, and later on, you found out it was because Tony threatened to sue all of them for a violation of medical privacy or something like that if the story got out. Even though you knew that none of them would be able to tell your story, you feared that people would still find out. You were scared that your presence would damage the Avenger’s reputation. In response to that fear, you put on the mask of being fine again, and you didn't take it off for months. 

8 months later

Now, it has been almost a year since you’ve jumped. A lot has changed in those short eight months. Tony and Steve got into a huge fight and everybody ended up choosing sides. Basically, the entire affair was a huge mess. During that unfortunate time, you just left. You tried to ignore the war going on in the Avengers, and you did everything you could to not get involved. During that time, you decided to lie low and see what was going on in your hometown, which was in the suburbs surrounding Detroit. It was nice there. There were no Avengers and the press didn’t care about you while you. You got Tony’s help and he set up a plethora of accounts for you because he agreed that you shouldn't have been around everyone when tenses were so high. Occasionally you would call Bruce and try to talk to him about what was going on, but it was just weird. You didn’t feel like you belonged to them anymore, and you felt like you were kicked out of the Avenger’s inner circle when in reality it was your choice. This only made your depression get worse, and even though you were in your hometown, you felt isolated. You were surrounded by memories of your dead family; your sister, especially, seemed like she was still present in the community. But she is dead. She isn't coming back, and it is your fault. Those words played through your head a million times a day, so you shut yourself in your apartment to avoid the memories. 

Also, during this time, you restarted some old habits. You hadn't cut since before you jumped, but now because there was no Tony or Bruce to watch over you, it was easy to get worse. You were on a slippery slope, and the end of it wasn’t even in sight. 

Near the end of the eight months, you were at the lowest you had been since you jumped. You didn’t leave the apartment. You enrolled at the local high school that you would’ve gone to, which Tony also helped you with, but at this point, you just stopped showing up, and the school didn’t really care. You didn’t really sleep. You didn’t eat, not because of an eating disorder, but because you were too depressed to take care of yourself. Thoughts of suicide intruded your thoughts on an hourly basis, and sometimes you entertained the idea of putting those thoughts into action. However, unbeknownst to you, the Avengers were done with their little catfight, and Tony, Nat, and Bruce were all coming to check on you and invite you to live with them at the new Avengers center in upstate NY. 

They decided to come on a Saturday because they assumed that was the reason that you wouldn’t be at school. Tony had a key to the apartment since he technically rented it for you, so when they just showed up and walked in, what they saw was a shock. Tony had been informed that you were doing just fine, according to the Stark security guard that he didn’t tell you about. Obviously, that wasn’t the case. Your apartment was a mess, except for the little kitchenette which you didn’t use very often. The majority of your small closet was piled by the washing machine, and your bedroom looked like a tornado had gone off and left everything on your bed, including you. You hadn’t left your bed for at least twelve hours, and it probably would’ve been another twelve had they not shown up. 

“(Y/n), are you okay?” asked a concerned Steve.

“Define ‘okay’ and then I'll tell you,” you groggily responded.

“Okay, kid, it’s time to get up. It is 3:30 and you look like you haven’t seen the light of day yet,” said Tony. In his defense, he wasn’t wrong. 

“(Y/n), what happened? Bruce told us you were doing fine here, he told us that you told him life here was treating you well, that you were happy,” said Nat. She didn’t sound angry or pitiful, she just sounded concerned.

“Well, guess what. I lied. I am not okay, I haven’t been for a long time. I was okay for maybe a week or two after I got here, but it didn’t last. Did I mention that this is literally where I grew up? That my family and I lived just a mile from here? That some of my former friends go to the high school I tried to go to for a few days? I am not okay,” You started yelling as you got out of bed, “I thought that being here would be good for me because with all the shit that has been happening with you guys I felt like we couldn’t talk. I felt like if I did I would make things worse somehow. I don’t know. I miss you guys and I know it sounds cheesy but I want us to all be friends and on good terms.”

“Oh, (Y/n), we wish that everything could be normal, too. I miss the days when the biggest argument was which movie we’d watch,” responded Steve.

That phrase lingered in your mind for a long time. You didn’t know what was happening but you found yourself getting lightheaded, and the room was spinning. Everything seemed surreal, especially the people surrounding you. Before you knew it, you were on the floor, blacked out.

Bright lights. That is the first thing you noticed. The next thing was that you tried to lift your arm, but you couldn’t. You were restrained to your bed. You opened your eyes, and there was only one person in the room. He looked like a doctor, but not like anyone you had ever seen. You turned your head to look out the window and quickly recognized that you were still in your hometown. The events of the last year or so felt like a blur, and you couldn’t remember many details; in a sense, it felt like a dream.

“Oh good, you’re awake. I had been wondering when you would wake up again,” said the doctor.

“Wait... what happened? Where are my friends? Did Tony take me here?” you responded.

“(Y/n), how do you feel?”

“I-I don’t know. I feel tired. Who are you? Where are Tony and Steve and Natasha and Banner and everyone else? Are they okay?”

“I’m your psychologist, (Y/n), Dr. Clark, you have been here for a long time. We have been over this, the Avengers are not your family, they have no responsibility for you,” he said.

“What do you mean? I’ve lived with them since my family died! They took me in, they took care of me and loved me, even when I couldn’t love myself,”

“No, (Y/n), you have been here, at Saint Joe’s for the past several months, you have been in and out of comas, you made up a life for yourself in your head, the Avengers are not here, they are in New York,”  
It all started coming back. Your family had died, but the Avengers were not involved at all. You were orphaned and soon sent to the hospital because of your unstable mental and physical conditions. None of it had happened. You made up a world inside of your head, but even your perfect world was messed up.

“I-I-I remember now. It was all fake. None of it was real,” you slowly started to cry, “But it felt so real. I felt real pain in my own head, but you’re telling me that I wasn't even awake. I was just in my head because I couldn't deal with life. I was in a coma,” 

You were still processing, but it was slowly making sense. Somebody else walked into the doorway, who you recognized as your childhood best friend, Hannah. She was holding a Harry Potter book and the Hamilton soundtrack. It seemed that she still thought you were in a coma and in your little world. The two of you just looked at each other, and for the first time that day, you felt like everything would be okay. You had your family right in front of you, you just had to look.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is it! Hopefully I didn't mess up the story too much; I was just stuck and this was the best way I could think of to end it. Like I said before, thank you to everyone who has continued to read my story over the span of almost ten months, and I hope you guys will continue to support me like you have in this fic for the next ones that I plan on writing! On that note, I am making myself open to requests for literally anything (including smut) for the following fandoms: Marvel, Doctor Who, Sherlock BBC, Supernatural, Disney, Harry Potter, Hamilton, and probably a whole lot more than I'm not remembering. I am most comfortable writing reader x (fill in the blank) fanfictions, but I am definitely open to stepping out of my comfort zone. Again, thank you so much to everybody that has read this, and an extra special thank you to all the lovely kudos-givers.   
> One last note- if you ever are struggling with depression, self-harm, or anything else, please do not hesitate to reach out! I am always ready to help you, even if you don't know it.  
> Happy reading!


	6. Alternate, in my mind, better ending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends! I am so sorry for the delay, but I finally put together a different, hopefully, better ending to this fic. It picks up right when Tony, Steve, and Natasha walk into the reader's bedroom and find her in bed.

When Tony pulled you out of bed and onto the ground, you felt lightheaded, but it was probably just because of the bad head rush. Tony noticed that you looked dizzy and grabbed you before you fell.

“Woah, kiddo. We just got you up, you’re not going back to bed that easily,” Chuckled Tony. 

Natasha and Grace didn’t seem amused. “Why don’t you take a shower and get dressed, and then we can go back upstate and see everyone again. Sound like a plan?” asked Natasha.

“Sure. Just give me twenty minutes.”

After a few days passed, you were settling into the new Avengers facility upstate, and life was starting to look up for you. There was this new recruit that Tony was telling you about, and he sounded amazing, and like the two of you had a lot in common. Well, apart from the fact that he could shoot spider webs from his hands and stop villains. Tony wanted to introduce him to you, and you agreed that it might be nice to meet someone around your age for the first time in nearly a year.

At first, when you and Peter met, he was nervous about showing you his spider powers. Luckily Tony was there to mediate the introduction and explained to Peter who you were and that you could be trusted. Becuase Peter had opened up to you about this amazing side of him, you decided it would be safe to tell him a little about yourself and everything that had happened. Thankfully, Peter listened to you and the two of you became (platonically) inseparable. 

Fast forward 3 years, you and Peter were amazing friends, you moved back to New York City with him and lived across the hallway from Peter and his aunt. Life was good. There were still some rough days, but they never stopped you from living your best life. You finally went back to high school and discovered a new found love for school. Soon, you were at the top of your class along with Peter. You had a new family, along with the Avengers, amazing friends, and a real home. You hadn’t been this happy since the accident all that time ago and everything was good.


End file.
